Horny Miss Titties

Having just finished the rough for a website template I need to present to a client tomorrow, I decided to take a break and have a little snack. (Given the hours I keep, this is roughly suppertime for me.) Anyway, as I was eating, I watched a bit of TV.

Roberto Benigni’s The Monster (Il Mostro) is playing on Radio-Canada as I write. I can’t stand Roberto Benigni, but I watched anyway. I watched as he was going on to a friend about this woman who supposedly goes naked around him all the time. And that reminded me of my story about Horny Miss Titties.

This happened one summer’s morning more than 10 years ago. I remember because I was living in my funky bachelor apartment in South End Halifax at the time, and I was expecting one of my Atlantis proofreaders to arrive at any minute. In fact, when there was a knock on my door, I thought it was my proofreader; however, it was my neighbour from across the hall. She had just locked herself out of her apartment and wondered if she could use my phone to get a hold of the building’s superintendent or a locksmith. I didn’t know her other than to say hello, but surely I didn’t mind letting her into my humble abode.

She made her calls, and she was told that she should wait where she was, that is, my apartment …if I didn’t mind. Of course I didn’t! So we sat at my sectional sofa and engaged in small talk. But then I started to realize that something was just a bit more than off colour.

She was wearing a loose, short t-shirt and tended to lift her arms way up over her head. At first I wasn’t sure if she realized it, but each time she did that, I would get a full view of her bare tits. I suspect I probably blushed, all the while pretending I wasn’t noticing, and that was obviously all the encouragement she needed. At one point I wanted to burst out laughing, for it was clear she wasn’t clueing in on how she didn’t understand her audience.

Anyway, at one point she asked if she could use my washroom. When she came back to the sofa, she resumed her little flashing game. Of course THIS was the day my proofreader was running a bit late and therefore not knocking at my door to “rescue” me, so to speak. However, finally the superintendent arrived and Horny Miss Titties went on her way.

Moments later, my proofreader arrived. She could tell I was rather frazzled, so I told her about the incident with Horny Miss Titties. And when I told her the part about Miss Titties asking to use the washroom, she started to laugh.

— You really don’t get chicks, do you!”

I just looked at her and said nothing. I was amused and confused since obviously I was missing something that would have been glaring to a straight guy.

— Checking out the washroom is a classic move,” my proofreader finally explained. “She was trying to figure out if you’re single and living alone based on the number of toothbrushes, towels on the go…”

— Oh my god, you’re kidding!” And I started to laugh, too.


Meanwhile, My Big Fat Swedish Neighbour downstairs is having a loud but good ol’ time tonight. He’s been fucking this chick on and off since about 9:30 this evening. And of course, since I hear him all the time when he’s alone, you can be sure I’m hearing every bang and moan tonight!

Listen… I don’t begrudge him getting a little ass. But overhearing him tonight might be funny if I didn’t hear him whenever he’s home. I can’t wait for him to return to work in Europe for x months.

Anyway, back to work I go…

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