Twas a Few Years Before Christmas…

Charlie BrownerIt seems like it’s a common thing to say, but I have to say it anyway: I can’t believe it’s Christmas already! Although tonight it’s freakin’ cold and there’s snow on the ground, it seems like those days and nights when it felt like metal would melt were only two or three weeks ago. Yet here we are, entering a stretch when daytime high temperatures aren’t expected to go above freezing.

As usual, I’m not “feeling” the whole Christmas thing. I realize that’s one persistent bit of inertia in my life as I look back at 10 years of blogging. In fact, it’s a sentiment I expressed in a posting on Day 1 of aMMusing.

This year, however, whether it’s because this blog reached the 10-year mark or because I’ve done a lot of thinking back in the aftermath of the divorce becoming finalized (or because of a whole whack of other, totally unrelated things), I’ve been feeling particularly nostalgic. I don’t mean sappy or sad nostalgia. Just plain ol’ nostalgia. And perhaps a little bit brooding.

Aside from the fact I failed to lose weight or quit smoking this past year, I’m feeling positive and optimistic personally. Life is good! Sure, I need to get out more and stuff like that, but that’s more a function of my persistently (aggressively?) being myself, not of a depressive state. But the past year at work has been so intense and busy that I’ve often been left with little energy to indulge in extra-curricular activities.

No, really, it’s just that I’m thinking back a lot, particularly in the last few weeks. At this time five years ago, I landed in Mexico City for the first time. Indeed, I proposed to NowEx five years ago this weekend. Where would I be tonight if I had listened to my inner voice a week afterwards and rescinded my proposal? I know I would be in Montréal, as I had planned that move beforehand, but what about the rest? Of course I realize it’s impossible to answer those questions, yet they have been surfacing a lot lately.

But there’s a real strand of nostalgia that has been occurring in my mind in the last few months and moreso since I blogged about Danny. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

My mom turned 84 this year. She was born in 1928. Think about that for a second: 1928! Think about how much the world around her has changed in her lifetime. I mean, she has known of chamber pots and going to an outhouse in the early years of her life! Yet, just last night, this woman had a three-way video-conference call with two of her kids. She remembers getting her first TV and taking a bus, kids in tow, to get the week’s groceries. In fact, she even admitted not knowing what to expect on her wedding night.

Given that I’ve only been around for 47 years, I haven’t witnessed as many changes as she has. But when I thought back about Danny, I realized just how many of the objects I have around the house today didn’t exist 30 years ago, and that freaked me out a bit. At the same time, I recalled how even my mom feels that it seems as if time is flying by faster than it used to, and in a way, it’s no wonder: it’s impossible to be bored these days when even stores are opened on Sunday and there’s no shortage of things to do.

You know what? I have absolutely no idea what I’m trying to express in this posting. None whatsoever! I don’t know if I’m wishing to go back in time, although I can’t imagine why I’d want to do that because the only way that would be any fun is if I could do so with the knowledge acquired thus far, which is a double impossibility. Am I wishing I could rewrite my history? Is it that I would like to go back to do certain things better, or to appreciate more some moments that I feel I didn’t appreciate enough?

I. Don’t. Know. And when I don’t know why some thoughts and ideas keep coming back to me, it drives me crazy. Or, as some might say, crazier.