aMMusing

When someone publishes a blog under the pseudonym “Large Tony,” in direct reference to the size of his endowment, you don’t necessarily expect a great deal of depth in writing. But whenever I read Tony, I always find myself envious. And his latest blog entry, “The Big One,” seals the case for me.

As one commentor wrote, “If there is one thing larger than your dick, it is your heart.” And what I find myself envying is Tony’s ability to write so well what comes from his heart. Sure, he does write a lot about his big dick, but even those posts have a “je ne sais quoi” to them in terms of insight. The fact I can’t articulate any better what I mean by that only emphasizes why I envy Tony’s writing skills so much.

I told you already about my bad fall last Sunday. I’m doing fine now; thanks for asking. The ankle’s still a bit painful, but it’s bearable.

Well, I’m beginning to wonder if this is just a week of accidents for some of us at my day job. My direct supervisor called this morning just to touch base and she informed me that she had an incident of her own yesterday: she spilled a cup of boiling water on her left arm. She’s recovering already and it doesn’t look like her burn is too serious.

But then she told me about her walk to the nearby walk-in clinic to have her arm checked. She was walking along King Street in Toronto when she heard an awful thud: that of someone hitting the pavement hard. She looked over to the source of the sound and saw that a biker had just received a “door prize” — that is, someone opened their car door and hit the biker. So my supervisor rushed over to help the biker who then said, “Oh AnShe, I’m so glad it’s you.”

It took her a few seconds to register before noticing that the biker was one of our colleagues in the training team. AnShe immediately called 9-1-1 and the cops came, but our colleague the biker decided not to press any charges. Today our colleague is very soar and limping badly, so both AnShe and I wish she hadn’t waive her right to file a report.

So hopefully, if twos really do come in threes, this will be the end of it. But after living through Indiana Jones’ own door-prize accident, I’m really worried about my colleague right about now.

I didn’t sleep very well last night, so I should be okay tonight. As much as the week is going by fast — the work I’m currently doing evenings is not going well and I wish I had more time — I get these moments when I feel that Friday can’t get here fast enough. As much as it makes me seem like a immature teenager, I just can’t wait to see El Poema again.

We spent more than 2 hours on the phone yesterday evening, and we probably could have kept going if we had had supper. But at the same time, the phone just doesn’t cut it. There are things that are better said in person — the whole “being able to see the body language” thing, I guess. And that goes both ways. It’s little wonder some of us resort to emoticons when writing e-mail. Funny how the phone has been around much longer and we haven’t figured out an equivalent.

It will be good for El Poema and me to spend three whole days together. The only distraction will come on Saturday, when we’ll be moving his stuff to a new apartment. I’m planning on taking him to Québec City on Sunday, an idea he clearly loved. And the suite I reserved in Montréal sounds promising. Clearly I’ll be getting something out of this trip, but my main goal is to make these three days a treat for him.

At one point during our call last night, he said something that I’ve thought myself. “If you weren’t coming to Montréal this weekend and I never saw or spoke to you again, I would always carry a fond memory of you.” Indeed, if the only obstacle to getting to know each other more were the distance between Halifax and Montréal, that wouldn’t be a big deal because I’d already decided to move to Montréal prior to meeting him. But the odds are against El Poema still being in Montréal by the time I move there, and Montréal / Mexico City is an entirely different ball of wax, one that I’ve been thinking about in some ways but also ignoring because it’s far too early days still at this point.

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I was taking El Poema to a very chic restaurant. We had just been seated at our table when the waiter came to us and declared to me (that is, pretending that El Poema wasn’t even there), “I’m sorry, sir, but this establishment reserves the right not to serve his kind,” clearly referring to El Poema being mestizo. To which I promptly got up, punched the waiter in the stomach, then very loudly informed the other patrons of what I had just been told and suggested they walk out with us. And then, taking El Poema by the hand, did so …very slowly and glaring at people as if to say, “You fucking assholes! How dare you kick out a prince!?”

And that’s when I woke up, shaken by anger.

The only funny part of the whole dream is that I would never punch someone, although I do think I have it in me to make a scene if pushed too far. But as for the source of the dream, it’s pretty obvious: I’ve been very disturbed by El Poema’s accounts of the racism he’s experienced in the short time he’s been in Montréal. Racism is unacceptable no matter how you slice it, but the thought that he would be the target of it makes me angry and ashamed of this country I call mine. That brings me to thinking about how racism is generally underhanded in a place like Halifax, but much more “in your face” in places like Montréal. And while either form is disgusting, I have to concede the latter form, being so empirical and obvious, is easier to confront in some ways. Plus, I know I have other (selfish) reasons for being upset about what El Poema has experienced, namely that I would want him to fall in love unequivocally with this country and have no reservations about settling here permanently.

I’m happy to say that, although my mind was definitely on other things, the return to work last week wasn’t too bad. In fact, the first week went by very quickly despite a major disappointment: the new project to which I’ve been assigned, which was supposed to start today, has been postponed by at least a month. In other words, all my vacation shuffling has been in vain. Or has it? I think destiny wanted me to be in that little park on Ste-Cat in Montréal the evening of August 10th.

Anyway, although I was ready to get started on the new project, there are still many things I can do to be even more prepared. For instance, it’s been a few months since I’ve done any training with clients. I had reached the point where I didn’t have to follow the screenshots when training a client in any of the applications, but now I’d have to “cheat” just to refresh my memory on the sequencing of screens and so on. So, to bring myself back up to snuff, I’ll be taking a few training requests in the coming days and weeks. In addition to the quarter-time I’m still spending on an unrelated project, I’ve also thought of a few things for which I haven’t bothered preparing, so I’m not worried about how I’ll be earning my paycheque.

I have to say that, more and more, I’m recognizing the day job for what it is: it has enabled me to set aside financial worries (within reason) so that I can finally get a life outside work. As a result, I can’t help thinking of the psychological hierarchy of needs applied to economics. I’d been stuck a long time slightly above the need for basic survival…

I would like to say that I move gracefully and elegantly, but really I’m a clutz. You’ve all heard of those who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Well, I think I’m worse: I can’t walk and do anything at the same time.

Despite the wonderful beach weather yesterday, I decided to be responsible and get some work done. But beforehand, I thought I’d go for brunch at a neighbourhood dinner. And after that, I decided to go to a park at the north end of the Halifax peninsula to take in a bit of sun before heading to the salt mine.

The path leading to said park is paved, blocked to traffic, and runs directly under the Mackay bridge that spans the harbour, plus it’s on a rather steep downward incline. The pavement is broken up in parts and I think I was looking at surreal view of being on the underside of the bridge rather than where I was walking. So the next thing I know, I feel my left foot tripping, then completely losing my footing, and finally flying downwards. It all seemed to be in slow motion and very fast at the same time.

The minutes immediately following the fall are a bit of a blur. I know I fell on my right side, but the first thing I remember is being on my back and just staying there, not rushing to try to get up. I was sweating profusely. Being completely alone, I didn’t feel compelled to rush to get back on my feet; instead, I checked to see if I had any bones protruding from my skin and if I could move my fingers, my arm… And being on a steep incline, I was trying to figure out how the hell I would get back on my feet. I could feel that my left ankle was sore and unstable but my upper right side was also very sore. So how to get up?

Somehow I managed and walked over to a railing on the side of the path. And that’s when I thought for sure I would either throw up or faint …or both. Everything was spinning. It was very hot and hazy, so naturally everything in the distance looked fuzzy. But it looked even brighter and fuzzier as it all spun. I could feel myself shaking, and I had two questions running through my mind at this point since I was pretty sure I hadn’t broken anything: how do I get back to my car (and am I in any condition to drive to few blocks back home), and has this fall effectively cancelled my trip to Montréal next weekend?

I eventually made it to my car, where I sat for a good while and blasted the air conditioning. And then I drove home. Once home, I immediately stripped off — taking the Tshirt off was painful — to give myself a closer inspection; what was remarkable is how the pain was intense despite only having a few superficial scrapings. Then I sat on the couch for a while, where I realized I was still in a bit of a state of shock, and wondered if I should get checked out at emergency. I avoid doctors like the plague, but then I remembered how we all told off my mother last year when she hadn’t gone to emergency after a similar fall. Sure, she’s older and more fragile, but I realized I now had to practice what I preached, plus I didn’t want to worsen something I couldn’t see.

Anyway, long story short, once I felt sufficently steady on my feet, I decided to go to the emergency but via BeeGoddessM and Stephanie to seek their advice on whether or not I was overreacting. BeeGoddessM made the excellent suggestion that I simply go to a walk-in clinic, where it could be determined if my “case” needed to be escalated. And after a thorough assessment, the handsome doctor at the clinic declared he was pretty sure nothing was broken and mine were soft-tissue injuries that could be relieved with icing, rest, and Advil. He also gave me a tetanos shot, which I hadn’t had in decades (if ever).

Moving around in bed was a little tough last night. And when I got up at 4:30 to take a leak, I felt my left ankle not strong enough to support me …but eventually it did. I limped over to the Advil and had another session of icing before returning to bed. This time I slept better. And when I got up, the ankle was definitely very sore but nothing like it was when I had gotten up earlier.

I have to admit this fall has given me a bit of a scare. And BeeGoddessM was right when she said, “Boys, I’d hate to see you when you’re old!” The combination of how I’ve been very lucky all my life as far as hurting myself, and the memory of how my father would turn into a wimp at the slightest cold, gives credence to her statement.

That said, every limpy step I take around the apartment today, I keep saying to myself, “You’ll be okay for the weekend … You won’t be all gimpy when you see El Poema … You are *SO* going to mend by the weekend …”

If I felt some guilt about going on and on and on in this blog about El Poema, I don’t so much after speaking with him last night. Indeed, I have learned there are several people in far off Mexico City who know about me now. Imagine! I now have a reputation in several continents!

**snip**

I just deleted a whole paragraph I spent 30 minutes writing. Let’s just say my hyper-rational side is struggling with how I seem to be behaving like someone who turned 24 last Sunday, not 42. I’m also struggling with the [re]discovery of the big ole marshmellow that’s inside me. That started happening well before encountering El Poema, so don’t worry about me in that respect. Actually, I’m finding a lot of humour these days in how I’m the only person I fooled into believing that there was anything but a big ole marshmellow inside me.

I guess I come by my initials honestly: M&M — hard and crunchy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside. And my rational side is having a major fit right about now.

I have been accused — quite correctly, I think — of being overly analytical. That’s definitely a big part of who I am, but I recognize more and more that it’s not completely innate. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to “get off” on gratuitous sentimentality — the kind that’s the fodder of reality TV shows like Home Improvement. Hallmark sweetness will probably always make me want to wretch, and I have next to no patience for emotional impulses in the professional realm. And as for me settling down with someone, I’ve long ago stopped believing that “The One” is out there, just waiting to be found, after which domestic bliss will follow. It just hasn’t been a preoccupation for me. Plus, I still have a great big cyncial streak that says when thinking of coupledom, “Great! That way we’ll get to spit toothpaste down the same drain each morning.”

When I set aside that cynicism, though, I recognize that I’ve changed on so many fronts in recent years that it’s ridiculous to believe that I haven’t changed in that respect as well. I can’t bring myself to commit to writing some of the thoughts that are crossing my mind at this very moment because they would come across as pompous or braggy. I might one day be able to say these things in person to a select few of you, but not in writing. But I will say that my decision to move to Montréal, followed by my recent trip there and the chance meeting of El Poema, have finally made crystal clear in the last day or two the lesson I was meant to learn through Indiana Jones.

I don’t believe in horoscopes, especially those in the Coffee News, a free advertising rag distributed in coffeeshops around town. But this did cause me to pause a little.

LEO
(July 24 – Aug. 23)
Unexpected trips could be exciting this week. Follow your instinct if romance appears from a distant locale. This could be it.
Lucky number: 4, 12, 26, 33, 38, 42

How cute is that? I saw this the day after I booked plane tickets, accommodations and a car for Labour Day weekend in Montréal. While some of you might tee-hee at the “This could be it” part, I’m more struck by what’s not written but has been a big theme for me lately: not accumulating regrets.

I do know the difference between Spanish and Portuguese, by the way. But I’ve long loved fado, which means “fate” or “destiny” in Portuguese. And “Chuva,” meaning rain, is one of my favorites. Fado just seems perfect right about now…

Mariza — Chuva (mp3, 5.7 MB, 4:03)

When I announced the dates of my visit to Cleopatrick, I suggested that we should go to Montréal together. I very much enjoy the company of his housemates, but I also really wanted some time just with him, in the city where he has lived most of his life, so that I could get an insider’s perspective on what I should be looking for in a move to Montréal. So I was very pleased to hear him declare shortly after my arrival on Monday that he’d set aside Wednesday as the day for our trip into the city, for it indicated he had been successful in appeasing his housemates about this plan. (Never mind the details.)

I was only able to leave El Poema a voice-mail message early Monday evening. I figured he was still sleeping off what was ailing him, but at least he would know that I would be back in Montréal shortly. (Turns out El Poema never checks his messages.) Despite being exhausted, I stayed up talking with Cleopatrick until 3:00 am, which is consistent behaviour for us.

The next day was surprisingly delightful: most of his family visited, and I’m particularly fond of his parents. The day ended with a huge bonfire in the front yard. By that point I noticed that I started to keep more to myself, although still enjoying the company. You can well imagine where my thoughts were drifting.

Cleopatrick and I left for Montréal shortly after noon on Wednesday without firm plans other than explore neighbourhoods and eventually getting El Poema to join us for dinner. We followed the Chemin du Roy into the city instead of the freeway, and stopped twice on our way in. It’s during our second stop that I noticed that I had almost no power left in my cell phone although I had recently charged it, because I had left it on in analog (rather than digital) areas. This caused me to panic a little: I didn’t have El Poema’s number written down on paper. Fortunately, Cleopatrick knew of a place not far from where we were where I could buy a cell-phone charger for the car. My reaction to the low-power cell phone still amuses me; I’m not usually given to teenager-like panic attacks over some guy.

Crisis resolved and cell phone charging, Cleopatrick got me to drive around the Hochelaga Maisonneuve neighbourhood which I’d mentioned I thought promising. He got me to park off Bennett and, the moment I stepped out of the car, I immediately felt at home. As we walked around the neighbourhood, I thought of how Stephanie would have a field day when visiting me: “She’ll never run out of urban landscapes for her camera in this area alone!” A bit later, we came across a street that prompted me to say, “Oh, I have to live on Bourbonnière because it’ll be too sweet to hear Stephanie trying to pronounce that name!” Eventually, Cleopatrick and I stopped for a coffee at the Presse-Café on the corner of Pie IX and Ontario and looked at ads for apartments in the area. And let me tell you: it is *SO* settled that I’ll be looking in this area; the prices are the same or even less than the bargain I have in Halifax! The differences are that heat is not included and, for most, I will have to get my own fridge and stove, but whatever! Once settled, I will be in about the same situation as in Halifax, with the difference that Ontario Street is like Halifax’s Agricola Street on steroids — unique little restaurants alongside pawn shops, an edgy yet safe feeling… In fact, I suspect even safer in spots than Agricola.

It was nearing 6:00 when we returned to the car, from where I immediately called El Poema. Since he doesn’t check his voice mail, he was extremely surprised to hear that I was back in Montréal, albeit only for a few hours. We arranged to pick him up in about a half hour.

He was waiting for us on the steps of his apartment. I was so excited I could bust, and Cleopatrick’s comment upon seeing him cross the street towards us was, “Ooooh yeah… The pictures really don’t do him justice.” Much to my pleasure and distraction, the two of them got along like a house on fire — the distraction causing me to miss the street on which I was supposed to turn. But soon enough we found ourselves in the Village seeking a quiet outside terrace where to have supper. As we were walking down Ste-Cat, El Poema and I hand in hand, he abruptly voiced what we were both feeling at the very moment: “I’m so happy and so nervous about seeing you again, but what a wonderful surprise.”

To be honest, my memories of the whole evening are disjointed. They’re at once a blur and razor sharp — from dinner, where I whispered to El Poema that he was at the bonfire at Cleopatrick’s the night before though he didn’t know it, to the hours in Parc Mont Royal overlooking the city, where El Poema DJed with his cell phone, to driving to the Olympic Stadium at midnight, where El Poema took me in his arms and said, “You really are crazy …and beautiful.” Intoxicating, fun, spontaneous, and bitter sweet all at the same time. Dropping him off home in the wee hours of the morning, not knowing what if anything would be next, was the hardest. Neither of us knew what to say.

The next day as I was driving back to Nova Scotia, my cell phone rang just after Rivière-du-Loup, so I pulled over. And I’d be lying if I said that what I heard surprised me.

Hola…

I had planned on going to Oka Beach on Saturday, but that was well before I found myself waking up around noon with El Poema in my arms.

So instead, we showered and went for brunch on Ste-Cat, and after a quick stop at his apartment so he could change, we found a shady spot on Mont Royal where we sat. Just now I was going to write that we talked, but I think it’s fair to say that I did more listening than talking. As a result, I learned a lot about El Poema — from what he said and didn’t say, and how he said what he felt like saying. I was moved by that as much as by his ability to recite verses of poetry to reference what he had just said. Perhaps it doesn’t take much to impress a guy like me who can’t remember a phone number 5 seconds after looking it up, let alone full verses of poetry.

He had prior plans to go out with friends that evening, so I drove him home shortly before 6:00. He said he would try to extract himself early from the gathering, and I encouraged him to call me whenever he was done. I ended up spending what was probably the hottest evening this summer in Montréal by myself, but that wasn’t so bad. I decided to beat the heat by taking advantage of Junior’s air conditioning and get lost around town to find a neighbourhood I could imagine myself living in. It was confirmed the following Wednesday when I returned with Cleopatrick that I’ll likely settle on the western half of Hochelaga Maisonneuve. (When I told that to CoCo upon my return to work this week, she replied, “Who knows where destiny will take you …but if there, we’ll practically be neighbours!”)

After my little drive, I had a coffee at the park where I met El Poema the night before, enjoying the zany characters of the Village and hoping he would call. By midnight, I did a bit of bar hopping for serial gin and tonics and found myself “home” by 2:00ish. I slept well but did wake briefly shortly after 5:00. That’s when the phone rang and I knew it could only be him. We spoke just long enough to agree on making plans sometime after noon.

I picked him up around 1:00 and introduced him to my notion of going on a nowhere: “I was thinking that since you’ve only been to Toronto and Montréal, you should see the nation’s capital, which is only 2 hours away.” He probably thought I was a little crazy — actually, I know he thinks I’m a little crazy — but he was game. So we stopped at a dep for refreshments before getting on the highway to Ottawa.

Turns out it was even more suffocatingly hot in Ottawa than in Montréal, and minutes after we were walking around Parliament Hill, he asked that we avoid the sun because he suddenly wasn’t feeling well. Of course I couldn’t resist a wise crack — “What kind of Mexican are you to mind the sun so much?” — but we immediately sat under trees next to Parliament, and in short order he felt a bit better. So much better, in fact, that we were feeling naughty enough to neck a little in plain sight of the tourists, including several women wearing burkas. While my “problem” was that I couldn’t keep my hands off El Poema, I have to admit I rather liked making the statement about what MY Canada can be, right there on Parliament Hill! Besides, weren’t we only doing what I’m sure thousands of straight couples have done under the same trees?

After a while we decided that a meal in a cool place would be good, and I thought we could find something around Somerset and Bank — Ottawa’s version of the Village. But once there, I remembered why I’m no big fan of Ottawa. Once you’re out of “official Ottawa” — away from Parliament, downtown, the national museums and the embassies — it’s actually a rather seedy little city whose inhabitants seem terribly frumpy. It’s hard to believe there are over a million people in this area — so much so that El Poema couldn’t suppress the comment as he looked around, “Small town, big hell.” We settled on an English pub on Bank, and as the afternoon turned to early evening, mean-looking storm clouds gathered outside. But safe a few lightening flashes and a few raindrops, the storm passed us by and we decided to drive back to Montréal.

I think I’ll remember this drive as long as I live. As soon as we exited the city, El Poema realized he simply had to have a nap, so he reclined his seat, untied his hair, placed his left hand on my lap, and promptly drifted off. As my Hypnotech 3 CD played, everything became surreal: the sun pierced through the clouds from behind, making everything glow oddly; in front were dark end-of-the-world clouds; to the right, lighter grey clouds spitting tremendous bolts of lightening; to the left, a partial rainbow; immediately next to me, a man with a beautiful mane of hair, head tilted slightly, sleeping peacefully, his hand still resting on my lap. I came close to waking him when the rainbow appeared, but opted against it because I realized that El Poema slumbering was but one of the components that made this moment utter perfection.

Alas, back in Montréal, it became apparent that El Poema was very unwell. By 10:00 he fell asleep in my bed and sweated out a fever; I slept lightly that night, waking often to check on him. In the middle of the night I gave him some Tylenol — the same Tylenol I bought the night I met him. By morning, he declared feeling nauseous and, sure enough, he soon had to run to the bathroom.

“What a terrible way to say goodbye,” he said as I was dropping him home about an hour later. Indeed it was sad, especially since it was entirely possible we would never see each other again because I was heading to Cleopatrick‘s later that day and then to Halifax later that week, and who knew if he’d still be in Montréal the next time I would be visiting (or moving).

“I’ll call you tonight from Cleopatrick’s to see how you’re doing,” I said, refusing to believe this would be the last time I would hold him in my arms.

Back at the B&B after purchasing some Tylenol at the “dep” (i.e., dépanneur, Québec French referring to a corner store) near the Beaudry metro station, I called Mr. J and made tentative plans for Sunday (which, incidentally, never materialized). Then I called Cleopatrick to confirm I would arrive in his neck of the woods on Monday afternoon. After that I just sat on the balcony for a few smokes until I noticed that my headache was gone. So about an hour after I had left the little park on Ste-Cat, I returned there with a bottle of water I picked up at the dep.

Shortly after I arrived, the Andrews lookalike also returned. This time I nodded more assertively, and this time he came over and asked me, “May I sit with you?” I think he may have asked in French first but he quickly indicated that he was more comfortable in English …or Spanish, since he’s from Mexico. So English it would be, and he sat beside me.

At this point, I don’t mean to be coy but I shouldn’t give too many details about him, in part because a detailed “kiss and tell” on this blog wouldn’t be fair to him, and in part because it’s necessary for his sake not to publish too much personal info about him. So what handle should I give him in this blog?

Well, quite spontaneously later on, I found myself calling him — now prepare yourself for a heavy-duty dose of corniness — mon beau prince aux cheveux longs (my beautiful long-haired prince), but that’s a bit of a mouthful, not to mention that I should not want to make my few but dear readers gag repeatedly. But before I left Cleopatrick last Thursday, I confided that the word that comes to my mind when I think of him — again brace yourself — is poetry. Slim, graceful, and taller than me, he is 29, erudite (Spanish literature), passionate yet soft-spoken, has the kindest brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of drowning myself into, and a spectacular mane of dark hair which, when untied, is positively regal. His genetic heritage is truly mestizo as would be expected from “the greatest genetic laboratory in world,” as he put it. Thus, all this together leads to one stunningly handsome man who quite simply takes my breath away, leaving me nearly speechless. So as presumptuous as it may be, I am compelled to refer to him herein as El Poema.

We spent the whole night on Ste-Cat talking and walking, walking and talking, sitting and talking, until finally I just had to gently kiss this most incredible man I had had the great fortune of meeting — onlookers be damned! Eventually I brought him to my room, and while I don’t want to dip into the TMI file, I will say that it was the furthest thing from raunchy. At one point, accustomed as I am to people commenting on my eyes, I matter-of-factly explained they “came” from my father’s side, for as I wrote in his eulogy, my father had “beautifully soft grey blue eyes.” And to that El Poema said, almost whispering, “Your father is still living in your eyes.”

That’s when I nearly started to cry.

Moving stranger,
Does it really matter,
As long as you’re not afraid to feel?
Touch me, hold me.
How my open arms ache!
Try to fall for me.

How I’m moved.
How you move me
With your beauty’s potency.
You give me life.
Please don’t let me go.
You crush the lily in my soul.

Kate Bush — Moving (mp3, 2.9 MB, 3:03)