Beyond Expectations

I had Indiana Jones over for supper tonight. As usual, when he rings from the lobby downstairs, I buzz him in, unlock the door to my apartment, and resume whatever I’m doing (usually cooking). He entered with a white plastic bag in which there was an envelope and a bottle of wine. “So what’s this?” he asked. “A peace offering?

It took me a second to register what it was, but yes, it came from my Big Fat Swedish Neighbour. Indeed, I spoke to the supers and they suggested that they should go talk to him, my letter in hand. Obviously they gave it to him, judging from the note that came with the bottle of wine.


Dear Maurice,
     I am sorry. I am utterly sorry. I had no idea of the amount of sounds you heard from my apartment. I feel exposed, naked and completly ashamed. You know more about me than some of my friends. I feel so awful. Saying “I am sorry” just isn’t enough.
     Actually, I am grateful for your letter. I completely agree with all of your comments. I am so thankful for your patience. You see, I too am an un-confrontational person. But, I am a sensitive person. And I feel so terrible at what I have put you through. I am so humiliated that I cannot even obtain the courage to show my face to you, as I know you are a decent and kind man.
     No, I am not making adult movies (joke!). Yes, I masturbate often, and often while on the phone. As you already know this, I may as well admit it. I am just so ashamed that you had to hear it. Believe me, Maurice, if I had know just how easy it is to hear everything, I would have not been so vocal.
     You will be happy to know that I will be leaving on Monday, I will not return until February. And when I do, rest assured that your peace and quiet will remain intact. I will take great care upon my return here, to obtain a quiet living situation.
     The “humming” you have heard, is probably due to my ceiling fan. I will no longer use it. 🙂 If I need to record, I will gladly discuss it with you in advance, so we can perhaps arrange a time that would be convienient for you. No more cookoo clock! 🙂 Umm… As I love to listen to CBC Radio, I will listen at a lower volume. OK, I am sounding silly now! Enough of that.
     I hope this gift will help smooth things out a little. I love this wine, and I hope you will too.
     Once again, I am grateful for your letter and I am deeply sorry for all I have put you through.


Floor me or what! He even gave his phone number this time!

On the one hand, I can’t help but think I struck just the right tone in my letter. On the other hand, and in the spirit of saying it and holding no grudge, I don’t want him to stew more in his humiliation than he clearly already has. So my plan is to go knock on his door before he leaves Monday and offer a handshake.

And now I’m not counting the hours to Monday afternoon, nor am I dreading his return in February.

{5} Thoughts on “Beyond Expectations

  1. Cool it is.

    I’ve been thinking, though, that he would be even more mortified if he knew that his masturbatory practices, among other things, are available for anyone on the WWW to read. Then again, having concluded that perhaps he’s not Swedish after all, and given that I’ve otherwise haven’t named him, I think it’s probably next to impossible for anyone (except him) to figure out exactly who I’ve been talking about.

  2. Course, when I finally get around to visiting you, if it’s the right time of year, I’ll know… 😛

    Guess I’ll have to come before Feb. 🙂

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